Drowning down the sounds of those who actually want to be heard,
With your constant chatter, clutter, complaints, restraints
Chaos,YOLO, FOMO commotion
With your egos, your attitude, your ignorant stutter.
Pretending to be the shit, stumbling the strut,
Fumbling the rut…
Shut Up
Shut Up
No thank you, No one gives a Fuck!
You
You sleep walk through life, and you wake up a lil too late
And when you were woke, You cringed and cursed your fate
cuz You have awoken to nothing but Hate.
Thursday, August 3, 2017
I get into bed every night with a 100 thoughts, and I think 'Maybe I should write'
But its always past 12 am, and I use that as an excuse to not write.
There is this strange nagging, creepy feeling I have. I can't even articulate it. And I feel the only way I may be able to get to the bottom or understanding what this is, is to write.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!
It's almost like I am trying to trick my brain to understand a riddle that I know the answer to.
In reality, I'm not even sure if my brain is capable of creating any sort of riddle, forget understanding it.
So I try to distract myself, to maybe pick up a clue and nudge the creativity a little. Which means I pick up my phone (duh!) I love photographs, great compositions, magical compositions... there is so much to see!! There are pictures of people vacationing in far off places, beautiful people in stunning outfits, dogs and cats being cute, amazing art work (instagram rules my life. ugh!) and when all else is done, I'll check the ex's and cute boys who aren't in to me.
None of this helps though! I crave a vacation, I miss my dog, I feel unhealthy and unfit, and not talented enough to be wowed by my own work.
But It's 1am now, and I am still awake.
Yearning for a vacation, yearning for a change of pace. Not being able to pin point what it is that I want to articulate.
The madness has begun, I'm obsessing again.
His face, his touch, his wicked smile.... all come right in front of me in flashes, when I'm talking to my old aunt whose husband passed away 3 days back, when I am asking for the air hostess to get me a glass of water, when I see a new ice cream advertisement, when I close my eyes to go to sleep.
I know him so little, yet I obsess about him so much.
I plan our little getaways, imagine our secret jokes, miss the taste of his skin and play out our unintentional intense conversations.
The mind won't let me stop, my flesh yearns for his touch...
Yet he doesn't give a fuck.
He just doesn't give a fuck.
I'm not a poet, far from it. I get the romance of it, but the meaning sorta makes my head dizzy.
I get dizzy easily.
I get over whelmed easily.
I thought I would be rock solid when I grew up, but I feel like I'm struggling to keep up with myself.
My mind goes in every direction, my heart bears the brunt of my situation.
My body falls into a slump, and no words can make me feel any better.
A Holiday from myself ...maybe that's the answer.
I strive, every single day, to not cave in...
To not be affected, to be the bigger person, to brush it off like it's only dust that floated from miles away and landed on my shoulder.... It's only dust, it's doing what it's meant to do. So I don't give it more importance than it deserves.
It's how I look at unreasonable, unfortunate and insane situations/ideas/people.
It's all dust, it'll settle. 'You just have to be patient'.
It's so easy to cave in though!
To that side which wants you to curse, kick and scream, and react to ALL that is making you lose your mind, your sleep, and your peace of mind.
There's that little devil in you, luring you to that oh sooooo dark side... Making you feel weak for choosing to be the bigger person. Taunting you for taking the higher road. Laughing at you as you attempt to be graceful. Sneering at you as you get ridiculed while you CHOSE to keep it together.
It's so damn easy to cave in, to that dark, and painfully ugly side.
It's just a step away...
But then, I'll always take the road less traveled.
I'll always keep my conscience clear.
I'll always be honest.
I'll always confront the ugly with compassion.
I'll always be real.
and I will have compassion and never laugh when YOU fall flat on your face.
I strive, every single day, to be the person I want to grow up and look up to.
It's the broken ones.
Yep, it's the broken ones I like the most.
Not that ANYONE has their shit together to begin with.
But the damaged ones are the ones I attract.
And it's not because I have some weird "kink" towards finding messed up people attractive, no, I actually makes fun of damaged people.
Those are the people who make for awesome protagonists in films, those are the people who make for good anecdotes, those are the people who make the world go round. So yeah, I like damaged people because they are real, because there is yet hope that they become a better version of themselves, because they are vulnerable and raw, because THAT is what makes for interesting personalities.
What comes along with all the mess however, is a lot of heart burn tho.
Many friends, especially male friends, have told me that I have the urge to mother boys, to fix them... hence, the complicated ones find solace in my company.
I disagree. I feel I can help people un complicate their lives because I tend to have a clear way of viewing situations THAT ARE NOT TO DO WITH MY LIFE (obviously!)
But then, doesn't everyone have an opinion, some advice to give other people? Isn't that what people want? To find someone who can help them solve their problems?
Because isn't that what life is about... Solving problems.
Rising above years of emotional trauma that we insist on living through over and over again. Recognising the circle and breaking the patterns.
But in the process of helping people break their patterns, I have formed one myself!
And it seems like I've included myself in the 'Broken Ones' Club, without any difficulty.
Which is outlandish, because no one actually belongs in this club but me.
I wish I was a writer. I wish I was creative and articulate at the same time. I wish I had the discipline to sit down and write, everyday, come what may. I wish I had the inspiration to write.
I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I wish I didn’t judge myself so much either. I wish I was bursting with ideas of changing the world, my home, my family all the time, so much so that I would not sleep at nights trying to figure out my next move.
I wish I would stop wishing and just shut up and do it already.
'Do you write?'
'Only when I'm upset' I replied.
And felt lame right after I said it.
It's true though, I don't really express myself well when tense or upset. I live with that heaviness for months, sometimes years. So, writing about the mess helps me tons.
I have been wanting to write a story for a while, it's stuck between my head and fingers somewhere. I need to release it from inside of my head first, for it to travel down to my hands. I just don't know how to accomplish that.
I've been trying to read these two books, but I have gotten stuck with that as well. My attention span is just deplorable. I am so bloody distracted. No discipline whatsoever.
So this year, without making a resolution out of it, I am going to get out of my head. Figuratively, and then maybe, I literally have something to show for.
Wow, I just made sense.
Till then listen to this mad sexy track.
I can't get enough of it!
She picked up her phone and was about to dial, when his name flashed.
'I was just calling you...'
'I'm coming over' he cut her off.
'Can you get cigarettes?'
'Ok'
She quickly cleared all the mess, straightened the cushions on the couch, fixed her face and put a bottle of wine to chill.
He knocked the door 20 minutes later. She opened the door, and said 'How did you know I wanted to see you?'
'I didn't, can I come inside?'
He walked in, and went straight to the little balcony.
'You've been obsessing and crying again?'
'Is it that obvious?' she said very plainly.
He turned around, and threw the pack of cigarettes towards her.
'Wine?'
'Yes, it should be cool now' she said while lighting her cigarette.
'Ashu, I ...' she trailed off.
'I'll get the wine, and a glass of scotch for you?' he said. She just nodded.
He came back with the drinks.
'I would be lost without you Ashu'
'And I wouldn't know what I'm looking for without you Tee'
She smiled 'So I help you find your purpose?'
He laughed 'Let's just say you inspire me to not lose sight, of what needs to be my purpose.'
'That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me Ashu... Thank you.'
'I'm leaving tomorrow Tee'
She knew that he was going to leave as soon as he got his head back on his shoulders. It was time already! She knew that he had to leave to feel like himself again. She knew he had been struggling for a very long time. She knew he would be gone for a very long time. She tried to not make a big deal of it.
'How long for?'
'I don't want to come back Tee.'
She looked away, she didn't want him to see her cry. Again. She wanted to be cool and she wanted him to be happy.
'You'll come visit?'
'As soon as I can Ashu.'
'Tee, you have no idea how much I'll miss you. But I have to do this.'
'I know. You need not explain.' And then she looked at him and smiled.
'I can't always expect you to be there to tuck me in bed after I'm pissed drunk, that's just not fair.'
He laughed 'Oh there were perks to that, i got to see naked women the next morning.'
She blushed, he laughed more.
They hugged.
'This Hell becomes bearable around you, Tee. I don't know how I'll manage without your constant whining about EVERYTHING'
She laughed, tears ran down her face.
'My Hell will be incomplete without you Ashu'
He looked in to her eyes, 'This Hell is not forever Tee. Nothing is.'
'I'll take your word' she said.
He took a big gulp of the wine, kissed her head and said 'I'll call you tomorrow' and left.
She couldn't stop him. She couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say. She just stood there, and he walked away.
After 5 minutes she heard his voice. She leaned over the balcony and saw him standing in the driveway.
'What did you forget?' she asked.
'...To tell you that it's a beautiful night! Look at the stars now!'
She frowned and craned her neck upwards. It was stunning. There were millions of stars twinkling, there sky was clear of the dreary grey clouds for a change.
'... And as bright as the sky is with all those sparkling dots, from where I stand right now, you shine the brightest, Tee.'
He made his funny hand gesture that was typically his, and waved bye.
She smiled, wiped her tears and yelled back while he walked away 'You're the cheesiest person I know, Ashu!'
And the 'that' that he spoke about, had nothing to do with her. It had to do with someone else, it had no connection to her. She wasn't a part of his life, his routine, his thoughts, his friends, his present or his world anymore. She wasn't even a speck in the the vast clusters of stars that created the universe that she had dreamed for the two of them.
Just like that, they were strangers.
Just like that, it ended.
She saw it coming months back, she knew he would walk away. She knew it felt too real for it to be real. She had mourned the demise of the relationship before it actually began, unaware of how sad she was as she met him. How sad she was every time he said good bye when he dropped her home, every time they looked into each other eyes, every time they kissed... and they kissed so well, she knew there may not be a next time she would feel so light in her head again.
She didn't realise how much she loved him and how quickly she fell for this boy.
She didn't know she was capable of loving someone ever again.
She had accepted that she may not fall in love again, and that was okay. She was okay being on her own as well. And she had come to terms with the fact that her life was never conventional to begin with, and her definition of what finding love was supposed to be maybe didn't exist.
All she did know, was that he would be difficult, and feisty and it would be exhausting to be with him. Still, she was ready to take the plunge. He had unknowingly, triggered a series of emotions that were lying dormant in her, which she had assumed dead.
She was ready to dive into the deep end and was happy that she needed no rescuing.
She was ready.
He wasn't.
At least not for her.
Days passed.
Emotions passed too. As they always do. Eventually there was a comfort in feeling numb. It was familiar territory, it was where she had lived for years...
Would it be too bold for me to say that I am ready to go, to leave, to die?
Would it be too scandalous to accept to the world that I am not scared or bothered by the thought that I may not exist tomorrow?
There is truth in the end. Is there anything more real and honest than death? There are answers at the end and I look forward to those. I have so many questions that need answers.
Ah, but if only death was that easy. If only life was simple. If only we had the power to chose how we leave this realm, to move into the 'higher state of being'.
Yes, I am scared of a slow and painful end. I am scared of disease, I am scared of mentally and physically deteriorating into a vegetable. And I am scared of the day when even getting out of bed would be a mission, and that day will come. I am scared of seeing my loved ones suffer, for I suffer watching them.
So in my attempt to keep feeling healthy and good, I keep making sure I am fine. I make sure I try to inspire my loved ones to be healthy too, I keep eating healthy, I exercise, I take on the challenges and keep at it, I do things that excite me and make me happy. Because happiness is the key to a healthy life... or so they say.
You sort of get the hang of living after a while, you find a way to forget the struggle in spurts of ecstatic moments, you read/hear stories about people who have overcome the hardest challenges and look at your comfortable life and think sheepishly 'You're so fuckin lucky'.
You live.
That's what you are here to do.
Live. Do your best at living.
Get the best at what you do and just expand. And Live.
Thank your stars that you were blessed a life so special before you sleep and wake up and thank the universe for the beauty you have been witness to all these years.
Of course I'll die one day. Everyone will. We go back to dust and complete the circle of life. And I am not scared of it one bit. But while I'm here, I must live.
I must feel, I must love, I must excel, I must grow.
Do people still use the phrase 'I give you my word' nowadays?
I don't think I've heard anyone say it in years!
There was a time when even a drug lord like Tony Montana would not 'break his balls or word for anyone.' And people would wait for the right moment to spew out the same words and mean it too.
The film is forgotten and so are the people who actually meant what they said.
People change their minds in minutes, apologize and re write/change statements/shrug responsibility in a matter of seconds. It's the convenient way out. Is a 'sorry' meant to make all wrongs, right? How is it that we have gotten okay with changing our stances so frequently?
We have stopped thinking before we speak/take action. We just do. Because that's what Nike says, because that acceptable, because being impulsive is the cool thing to be. And then retract as soon as the going gets slightly tough, or when shit hits the ceiling, or when you miss a dead line, or when you break a promise... the list is long.
When did our word start meaning zilch?
When did we become so scared of owning up to our flaws?
When did we stop honouring our friends and family by bailing on them constantly?
And that's how easily he broke it down for her.
She needed to hear those words. She needed to understand that someone else believes in the same.
He knew what to say to her. He was good with words. She liked that about him.
People aren't good at expressing themselves any more. They use phrases like 'You know, it's just like, you what I mean'
He spelled it out. Without effort. Without thinking twice.
She smiled.
She knew they would get along. She knew they would become good friends. She knew this was the beginning of something spectacular, But she didn't acknowledge it then. She brushed it aside and said 'Yes Dad' and giggled.
He laughed.
And that's how easily they found themselves, in each other's lives.
Life has thrown some really hard balls at me from time to time, especially in the last 8 years. And I brave all the adversities, falling apart is never an option then. I solve problems. I never lose focus, And never ever lose patience.
I keep it together like a pro.
But every now and then a boy will come into my life and I will let him turn everything upside down, after which he exits my life promptly... With my brains sprawled all over my messy bed room and my heart dissected into a million little parts,
I fall apart as if my whole world/life/career/family has ended. I stop being happy, Physically and Mentally. I have managed to manifest all that sadness into physical weakness many times. I lose sleep and look like a Zombie. It's embarrassing.
One would think that over time and with experience, one would learn/ understand how to cope with heart break. But No, I think I am going in reverse. It's gotten harder to keep up with such drama, as I have grown older and my poor heart struggles a lot with keeping my brain from exploding.
Then there is that long process of allowing myself to let go of the mess that my life has become. The sad state becomes my personality. I walk around like looking like this mysterious, aloof, unhappy ghost. I loathe myself and everything around me, Yet I will still not let go of the trauma that is plaguing me. I will live with it and obsess and cry and keep having conversations with myself while driving, walking or even just laying in bed.
I go through severe depressive bouts. I fight it with all my might. I distract myself desperately, it's easy to fall down that dark hole. It's really easy to feed the dark side. And poetic too, sometimes.
No amount of logic, discussion or meditation helps me over come this heart ache.
And today, while I was having one of those conversations with myself I said, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Why must love be so hard for you? Why can't you just let go?
That's what bugged me- What can't I just let go?
It bothered me a little too much but then I thought, it is who I am.
I am persistent. I am an actor, I am a performer. Life was not meant to be easy with the path I have chosen. So I keep at it, NO MATTER WHAT, Giving up is not an option. If I commit, there is no turning back.
Rejection in work is something I take in my stride, it comes with the territory. And I deal with it as gracefully as I can.
But Rejection in love drives me insane.
INSANE.
I'm not even sure why I am writing all this, but there has been a slight epiphany today while thinking all this. I have many friends who are dealing with heart break right now, unfortunately. And while trying to give them perspective, I in turn counselled myself. ( I am seeing a Counsellor as well, of course, but that discussion is for another time) I reminded myself of how not to be so hard on myself, for being upset and devastated. I reminded myself that letting go doesn't mean that you stop loving, it just means that you trust in what the future holds for you. I reminded myself that aside from all the heart ache caused by unfortunate circumstances, I am actually in a good place in my life, I should be happy, I have a good job, a great apartment, incredible friends and I look awesome every now and then (it's true, I ain't lying)
Being depressed won't make things any better.
Love is not evil.
And I am not Superman, I have no Kryptonite.
It was hell. Sitting in his room, he had some music playing in the background. He opened his books and placed them on his desk. He was about to read, and 'that' song played. That same song that made him feel invincible just a few months back. And now all it did was make him feel like a failure. He hated himself for being reminded of his old self. He hated himself for being helpless. He hated the song that meant so much to him. He loathed everything. He was lost. And had no patience to be found. It was hell. Sitting in her room, she kept going through her phone looking at her photos. All smiles, all happy moments. Just then, the phone buzzed. She cut the call, and went back to staring at the pictures. And she started weeping like a child. Those pictures were supposed to be the beginning of her new life. And now, just over night, they had ceased to be anything at all. She hated herself for being so weak. She hated the fact that she felt like complete shit. She hated how she could only find solace in a glass full of scotch. She hated what she had become. A pathetic venomous drunk.
It was easier to be this person, this unabashedly hateful person.
No one bothered her. No one cared. No one reached out any more. And she didn't pretend have to pretend to be 'OK' any more either.
'Fuck I'm 30!'
She woke up, got off her bed and stared at herself in the mirror.
She looked the same as the night before. Only, her mascara had run all the way down to her chin from her right eye. And her beautiful ruby red lipstick was smeared all over her left cheek. 'I look like a cheap whore!' , and then quickly berated herself for thinking like an idiot. 'Why you gotta judge whore's man?!'
She had no recollection of the night post 1230am. There was cake, lots of sparkling wine, a few shots of Patron. Then she remembered vaguely tears, vomit, yelling and falling on her butt in the staircase.
'Who put me to bed?'
She was still in the clothes from last night. The dress was ruined properly. She had spent almost ten grand on that dress. 'What a waste!'
She started walking towards the bathroom and almost tripped on a bottle of vodka on the floor. 'Where the hell did this come from??, fuck, my head hurts'
She washed her face, took off her clothes, took a long shower and then brushed her teeth. In that order. 'Wow, I'm still drunk I think, damn where's the towel?'
She had forgotten it in the bedroom. 'Of course. Dammit'
Dripping, she steps out to head towards the bedroom, almost slips as she reaches the door of her room when she see's a man facing the window, smoking a cigarette.
She screams "Bhenchod! What the Fuck!?!"
He turned around screaming "Whoa Tina Calm Down! Wow you're naked, fuck,!" He didn't know where to look, so he just threw his head up and stared at the ceiling.
They both looked as startled as the other. She couldn't see her towel or ANY cloth anywhere. So she ran out back to the bathroom.
"How did you get in Ashish, what the fuck man?"
"Tina, you idiot, I stayed the night... you were properly wasted last night. I heard you go to the bathroom so came to check if you were ok. I didn't know you didn't remember I had crashed here!"
"Oh. You could have smoked in the living room na! Why did you have to come into my bed room to smoke?? Who does that?"
"I was just leaning outside the window to see if my car was ok parked on the road, I was going to go to the Living room I promise!"
"Aaaarrrggghhh
Throw me my towel and go in the other room for fuck's sake"
He fumbled and and grabbed the towel hanging on the door and threw it towards the bathroom. She grabbed the towel from the floor and wrapped it around her self hastily."'No wait there!"
She walked towards the bedroom to give him a piece of her mind, but then as soon as she saw him again, they both burst out laughing. She fell on the floor rolling in laughter, and he just grabbed his stomach and stood in the same corner laughing as well. After a minute or so...
"You're in good shape for being 30, Tee" he smirked
"Thanks Ashu, Ass Hole."
And then they stopped smiling and just stared at each other.
"Ashu, I'm 30!" and then started the water works. She cried like a little child, she looked like a little child. Curled up on the floor, where she was in stitches just 40 seconds back. She looked so helpless and lost.
He bent down and looked into her eyes, then slowly crawled towards her. He touched her head, wiped her tears and said very calmly. 'It could be worse, you could be a 40 year old man who screams in falsetto when he sees a naked 30 year old woman.
This is just the beginning Tee, it's all down hill from here'
And just like that, she started laughing like a maniac all over again.
All he could do was look at her with amazement. Her laugh meant everything to him. That laugh was the best sound in the world.
They met at the right time. They were pleasant each time they met. They both smiled a lot. They both hid behind their smiles. They recognized each others sadness. He was heart broken, She was heart broken. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and she was in awe of that. He was sexy, She was Shy. He liked her. She wasn't sure. Then she liked him, and he smiled even more. They would stare into the others eyes and just randomly say 'What are you thinking?', then giggle, and talk till sunrise. They talked and talked and then some more. They danced to the same songs. They liked the same movies. They loved the same books. They would hug like it was the last time. They would kiss without any qualms. They would make love with their eyes open. They would fall asleep together and wake up wanting each other more. Then one day.. 'Baby I gotta go' He said 'Thank You for your kindness' and she just smiled. They left without even saying Good Bye.
Only because, they met at the right time.
'Everytime I'm waiting at the Traffic Signal, I have a vision of a truck or a car smashing into me. It just comes out of no where and totals my car. I lose consciousness and then die. There's a part of me that is counting days till that happens. Why I am day dreaming of such a violent death? Sure, it could be reflective of my state of mind, but counting days till that happens is something I am concerned about.' He frowned for a second, then calmly said 'How often do you have that vision?' 'Once a day, everyday.' He paused, stood up and walked towards her. She stood up as he came near. He held her and spoke only loud enough for her to hear.
He said 'That's the way you go babe' And then I woke up. That's been the beginning of my weekend.
It could have been worse, it could have been real.
