The madness has begun, I'm obsessing again.
His face, his touch, his wicked smile.... all come right in front of me in flashes, when I'm talking to my old aunt whose husband passed away 3 days back, when I am asking for the air hostess to get me a glass of water, when I see a new ice cream advertisement, when I close my eyes to go to sleep.
I know him so little, yet I obsess about him so much.
I plan our little getaways, imagine our secret jokes, miss the taste of his skin and play out our unintentional intense conversations.
The mind won't let me stop, my flesh yearns for his touch...
Yet he doesn't give a fuck.
He just doesn't give a fuck.
It's the broken ones.
Yep, it's the broken ones I like the most.
Not that ANYONE has their shit together to begin with.
But the damaged ones are the ones I attract.
And it's not because I have some weird "kink" towards finding messed up people attractive, no, I actually makes fun of damaged people.
Those are the people who make for awesome protagonists in films, those are the people who make for good anecdotes, those are the people who make the world go round. So yeah, I like damaged people because they are real, because there is yet hope that they become a better version of themselves, because they are vulnerable and raw, because THAT is what makes for interesting personalities.
What comes along with all the mess however, is a lot of heart burn tho.
Many friends, especially male friends, have told me that I have the urge to mother boys, to fix them... hence, the complicated ones find solace in my company.
I disagree. I feel I can help people un complicate their lives because I tend to have a clear way of viewing situations THAT ARE NOT TO DO WITH MY LIFE (obviously!)
But then, doesn't everyone have an opinion, some advice to give other people? Isn't that what people want? To find someone who can help them solve their problems?
Because isn't that what life is about... Solving problems.
Rising above years of emotional trauma that we insist on living through over and over again. Recognising the circle and breaking the patterns.
But in the process of helping people break their patterns, I have formed one myself!
And it seems like I've included myself in the 'Broken Ones' Club, without any difficulty.
Which is outlandish, because no one actually belongs in this club but me.
She picked up her phone and was about to dial, when his name flashed.
'I was just calling you...'
'I'm coming over' he cut her off.
'Can you get cigarettes?'
'Ok'
She quickly cleared all the mess, straightened the cushions on the couch, fixed her face and put a bottle of wine to chill.
He knocked the door 20 minutes later. She opened the door, and said 'How did you know I wanted to see you?'
'I didn't, can I come inside?'
He walked in, and went straight to the little balcony.
'You've been obsessing and crying again?'
'Is it that obvious?' she said very plainly.
He turned around, and threw the pack of cigarettes towards her.
'Wine?'
'Yes, it should be cool now' she said while lighting her cigarette.
'Ashu, I ...' she trailed off.
'I'll get the wine, and a glass of scotch for you?' he said. She just nodded.
He came back with the drinks.
'I would be lost without you Ashu'
'And I wouldn't know what I'm looking for without you Tee'
She smiled 'So I help you find your purpose?'
He laughed 'Let's just say you inspire me to not lose sight, of what needs to be my purpose.'
'That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me Ashu... Thank you.'
'I'm leaving tomorrow Tee'
She knew that he was going to leave as soon as he got his head back on his shoulders. It was time already! She knew that he had to leave to feel like himself again. She knew he had been struggling for a very long time. She knew he would be gone for a very long time. She tried to not make a big deal of it.
'How long for?'
'I don't want to come back Tee.'
She looked away, she didn't want him to see her cry. Again. She wanted to be cool and she wanted him to be happy.
'You'll come visit?'
'As soon as I can Ashu.'
'Tee, you have no idea how much I'll miss you. But I have to do this.'
'I know. You need not explain.' And then she looked at him and smiled.
'I can't always expect you to be there to tuck me in bed after I'm pissed drunk, that's just not fair.'
He laughed 'Oh there were perks to that, i got to see naked women the next morning.'
She blushed, he laughed more.
They hugged.
'This Hell becomes bearable around you, Tee. I don't know how I'll manage without your constant whining about EVERYTHING'
She laughed, tears ran down her face.
'My Hell will be incomplete without you Ashu'
He looked in to her eyes, 'This Hell is not forever Tee. Nothing is.'
'I'll take your word' she said.
He took a big gulp of the wine, kissed her head and said 'I'll call you tomorrow' and left.
She couldn't stop him. She couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say. She just stood there, and he walked away.
After 5 minutes she heard his voice. She leaned over the balcony and saw him standing in the driveway.
'What did you forget?' she asked.
'...To tell you that it's a beautiful night! Look at the stars now!'
She frowned and craned her neck upwards. It was stunning. There were millions of stars twinkling, there sky was clear of the dreary grey clouds for a change.
'... And as bright as the sky is with all those sparkling dots, from where I stand right now, you shine the brightest, Tee.'
He made his funny hand gesture that was typically his, and waved bye.
She smiled, wiped her tears and yelled back while he walked away 'You're the cheesiest person I know, Ashu!'
And the 'that' that he spoke about, had nothing to do with her. It had to do with someone else, it had no connection to her. She wasn't a part of his life, his routine, his thoughts, his friends, his present or his world anymore. She wasn't even a speck in the the vast clusters of stars that created the universe that she had dreamed for the two of them.
Just like that, they were strangers.
Just like that, it ended.
She saw it coming months back, she knew he would walk away. She knew it felt too real for it to be real. She had mourned the demise of the relationship before it actually began, unaware of how sad she was as she met him. How sad she was every time he said good bye when he dropped her home, every time they looked into each other eyes, every time they kissed... and they kissed so well, she knew there may not be a next time she would feel so light in her head again.
She didn't realise how much she loved him and how quickly she fell for this boy.
She didn't know she was capable of loving someone ever again.
She had accepted that she may not fall in love again, and that was okay. She was okay being on her own as well. And she had come to terms with the fact that her life was never conventional to begin with, and her definition of what finding love was supposed to be maybe didn't exist.
All she did know, was that he would be difficult, and feisty and it would be exhausting to be with him. Still, she was ready to take the plunge. He had unknowingly, triggered a series of emotions that were lying dormant in her, which she had assumed dead.
She was ready to dive into the deep end and was happy that she needed no rescuing.
She was ready.
He wasn't.
At least not for her.
Days passed.
Emotions passed too. As they always do. Eventually there was a comfort in feeling numb. It was familiar territory, it was where she had lived for years...
It was hell. Sitting in his room, he had some music playing in the background. He opened his books and placed them on his desk. He was about to read, and 'that' song played. That same song that made him feel invincible just a few months back. And now all it did was make him feel like a failure. He hated himself for being reminded of his old self. He hated himself for being helpless. He hated the song that meant so much to him. He loathed everything. He was lost. And had no patience to be found. It was hell. Sitting in her room, she kept going through her phone looking at her photos. All smiles, all happy moments. Just then, the phone buzzed. She cut the call, and went back to staring at the pictures. And she started weeping like a child. Those pictures were supposed to be the beginning of her new life. And now, just over night, they had ceased to be anything at all. She hated herself for being so weak. She hated the fact that she felt like complete shit. She hated how she could only find solace in a glass full of scotch. She hated what she had become. A pathetic venomous drunk.
It was easier to be this person, this unabashedly hateful person.
No one bothered her. No one cared. No one reached out any more. And she didn't pretend have to pretend to be 'OK' any more either.
'Fuck I'm 30!'
She woke up, got off her bed and stared at herself in the mirror.
She looked the same as the night before. Only, her mascara had run all the way down to her chin from her right eye. And her beautiful ruby red lipstick was smeared all over her left cheek. 'I look like a cheap whore!' , and then quickly berated herself for thinking like an idiot. 'Why you gotta judge whore's man?!'
She had no recollection of the night post 1230am. There was cake, lots of sparkling wine, a few shots of Patron. Then she remembered vaguely tears, vomit, yelling and falling on her butt in the staircase.
'Who put me to bed?'
She was still in the clothes from last night. The dress was ruined properly. She had spent almost ten grand on that dress. 'What a waste!'
She started walking towards the bathroom and almost tripped on a bottle of vodka on the floor. 'Where the hell did this come from??, fuck, my head hurts'
She washed her face, took off her clothes, took a long shower and then brushed her teeth. In that order. 'Wow, I'm still drunk I think, damn where's the towel?'
She had forgotten it in the bedroom. 'Of course. Dammit'
Dripping, she steps out to head towards the bedroom, almost slips as she reaches the door of her room when she see's a man facing the window, smoking a cigarette.
She screams "Bhenchod! What the Fuck!?!"
He turned around screaming "Whoa Tina Calm Down! Wow you're naked, fuck,!" He didn't know where to look, so he just threw his head up and stared at the ceiling.
They both looked as startled as the other. She couldn't see her towel or ANY cloth anywhere. So she ran out back to the bathroom.
"How did you get in Ashish, what the fuck man?"
"Tina, you idiot, I stayed the night... you were properly wasted last night. I heard you go to the bathroom so came to check if you were ok. I didn't know you didn't remember I had crashed here!"
"Oh. You could have smoked in the living room na! Why did you have to come into my bed room to smoke?? Who does that?"
"I was just leaning outside the window to see if my car was ok parked on the road, I was going to go to the Living room I promise!"
"Aaaarrrggghhh
Throw me my towel and go in the other room for fuck's sake"
He fumbled and and grabbed the towel hanging on the door and threw it towards the bathroom. She grabbed the towel from the floor and wrapped it around her self hastily."'No wait there!"
She walked towards the bedroom to give him a piece of her mind, but then as soon as she saw him again, they both burst out laughing. She fell on the floor rolling in laughter, and he just grabbed his stomach and stood in the same corner laughing as well. After a minute or so...
"You're in good shape for being 30, Tee" he smirked
"Thanks Ashu, Ass Hole."
And then they stopped smiling and just stared at each other.
"Ashu, I'm 30!" and then started the water works. She cried like a little child, she looked like a little child. Curled up on the floor, where she was in stitches just 40 seconds back. She looked so helpless and lost.
He bent down and looked into her eyes, then slowly crawled towards her. He touched her head, wiped her tears and said very calmly. 'It could be worse, you could be a 40 year old man who screams in falsetto when he sees a naked 30 year old woman.
This is just the beginning Tee, it's all down hill from here'
And just like that, she started laughing like a maniac all over again.
All he could do was look at her with amazement. Her laugh meant everything to him. That laugh was the best sound in the world.
