I get into bed every night with a 100 thoughts, and I think 'Maybe I should write'
But its always past 12 am, and I use that as an excuse to not write.
There is this strange nagging, creepy feeling I have. I can't even articulate it. And I feel the only way I may be able to get to the bottom or understanding what this is, is to write.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO WRITE ABOUT!

It's almost like I am trying to trick my brain to understand a riddle that I  know the answer to.
In reality, I'm not even sure if my brain is capable of creating any sort of riddle, forget understanding it.

So I try to distract myself, to maybe pick up a clue and nudge the creativity a little. Which means I pick up my phone (duh!) I love photographs, great compositions, magical compositions... there is so much to see!! There are pictures of people vacationing in far off places, beautiful people in stunning outfits, dogs and cats being cute, amazing art work (instagram rules my life. ugh!) and when all else is done, I'll check the ex's and cute boys who aren't in to me.
None of this helps though! I crave a vacation, I miss my dog, I feel unhealthy and unfit, and not talented enough to be wowed by my own work.

But It's 1am now, and I am still awake.
Yearning for a vacation, yearning for a change of pace. Not being able to pin point what it is that I want to articulate.

Tomorrow is another day.

Did this have to be 2017's first blog?

This is a rant,
So bear with me.

I strive, every single day, to not cave in...
To not be affected, to be the bigger person, to brush it off like it's only dust that floated from miles away and landed on my shoulder.... It's only dust, it's doing what it's meant to do. So I don't give it more importance than it deserves.

It's how I look at unreasonable, unfortunate and insane situations/ideas/people.
It's all dust, it'll settle. 'You just have to be patient'.

It's so easy to cave in though!
 To that side which wants you to curse, kick and scream, and react to ALL that is making you lose your mind, your sleep, and your peace of mind.
There's that little devil in you, luring you to that oh sooooo dark side... Making you feel weak for choosing to be the bigger person. Taunting you for taking the higher road. Laughing at you as you attempt to be graceful. Sneering at you as you get ridiculed while you CHOSE to keep it together.

It's so damn easy to cave in, to that dark, and painfully ugly side.

It's just a step away...

But then, I'll always take the road less traveled.
I'll always keep my conscience clear.
I'll always be honest.
I'll always confront the ugly with compassion.
I'll always be real.
and I will have compassion and never laugh when YOU fall flat on your face.

I strive, every single day, to be the person I want to grow up and look up to.

30 and a year after that...

She picked up her phone and was about to dial, when his name flashed.
'I was just calling you...'
'I'm coming over' he cut her off.
'Can you get cigarettes?'
'Ok'

She quickly cleared all the mess, straightened the cushions on the couch, fixed her face and put a bottle of wine to chill.
He knocked the door 20 minutes later. She opened the door, and said 'How did you know I wanted to see you?'
'I didn't, can I come inside?'
He walked in, and went straight to the little balcony.
'You've been obsessing and crying again?'
'Is it that obvious?' she said very plainly.
He turned around, and threw the pack of cigarettes towards her.
'Wine?'
'Yes, it should be cool now' she said while lighting her cigarette.

'Ashu, I ...' she trailed off.
'I'll get the wine, and a glass of scotch for you?' he said. She just nodded.

He came back with the drinks.
'I would be lost without you Ashu'
'And I wouldn't know what I'm looking for without you Tee'

She smiled 'So I help you find your purpose?'
He laughed 'Let's just say you inspire me to not lose sight, of what needs to be my purpose.'

'That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me Ashu... Thank you.'

'I'm leaving tomorrow Tee'
She knew that he was going to leave as soon as he got his head back on his shoulders. It was time already! She knew that he had to leave to feel like himself again. She knew he had been struggling for a very long time. She knew he would be gone for a very long time. She tried to not make a big deal of it.
'How long for?'
'I don't want to come back Tee.'

She looked away, she didn't want him to see her cry. Again. She wanted to be cool and she wanted him to be happy.

'You'll come visit?'
'As soon as I can Ashu.'

'Tee, you have no idea how much I'll miss you. But I have to do this.'
'I know. You need not explain.' And then she looked at him and smiled.
'I can't always expect you to be there to tuck me in bed after I'm pissed drunk, that's just not fair.'
He laughed 'Oh there were perks to that, i got to see naked women the next morning.'
She blushed, he laughed more.
They hugged.

'This Hell becomes bearable around you, Tee. I don't know how I'll manage without your constant whining about EVERYTHING'
She laughed, tears ran down her face.
'My Hell will be incomplete without you Ashu'

He looked in to her eyes, 'This Hell is not forever Tee. Nothing is.'
'I'll take your word' she said.

He took a big gulp of the wine, kissed her head and said 'I'll call you tomorrow' and  left.
She couldn't stop him. She couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say. She just stood there, and he walked away.
After 5 minutes she heard his voice. She leaned over the balcony and saw him standing in the driveway.

'What did you forget?' she asked.
'...To tell you that it's a beautiful night! Look at the stars now!'
She frowned and craned her neck upwards. It was stunning. There were millions of stars twinkling, there sky was clear of the dreary grey clouds for a change.
'... And as bright as the sky is with all those sparkling dots, from where I stand right now, you shine the brightest, Tee.'
He made his funny hand gesture that was typically his, and waved bye.

She smiled, wiped her tears and yelled back while he walked away 'You're the cheesiest person I know, Ashu!'

Dark Night

It's curious how numbness has taken over my entire body.
I like sitting in the dark, and I just stare at the wall. My breathing seems to be the only movement i can sense. That, and the sound of the fan.
Also, the heightened buzz in my ears. I just sit and bear it. It almost compliments the numbness.

And then I think of you and my chest gets heavier, my breathing gets harder and sharp... just so much effort! 
So i try to shoo any thought of you away. I try to push you out of my comfortable dark space. I fail. And the buzz gets louder. I shut my eyes.  I almost scream. But I have no strength. 

I lay helpless. My heart tries hard to jump out of my mouth, and I force it to calm itself. But I give in.
 My quiet dark room becomes your haven now. All I can do is watch you. You float around with that heart breaking smile. You quickly sweep in and touch my face, caress my back, hold me tight, kiss my lips, and whisper in my ear 'I'm here now'
And just like that, the numbness vanishes, my body convulses and it feels like someone knocked the wind out of me. 

I open my eyes. My body drenched, my vision blurry, my throat dry and my head pounding.

I stand up and walk to the window and wipe my eyes.  Morning is breaking.
 A sigh of relief!
Time to wash off the sweat and put on the mask. Another day to conquer. Another day to deliver. Another day to be thankful for.

The nights however. ..