I'm not a poet, far from it. I get the romance of it, but the meaning sorta makes my head dizzy.
I get dizzy easily.
I get over whelmed easily.
I thought I would be rock solid when I grew up, but I feel like I'm struggling to keep up with myself.
My mind goes in every direction, my heart bears the brunt of my situation.
My body falls into a slump, and no words can make me feel any better.
A Holiday from myself ...maybe that's the answer.
I strive, every single day, to not cave in...
To not be affected, to be the bigger person, to brush it off like it's only dust that floated from miles away and landed on my shoulder.... It's only dust, it's doing what it's meant to do. So I don't give it more importance than it deserves.
It's how I look at unreasonable, unfortunate and insane situations/ideas/people.
It's all dust, it'll settle. 'You just have to be patient'.
It's so easy to cave in though!
To that side which wants you to curse, kick and scream, and react to ALL that is making you lose your mind, your sleep, and your peace of mind.
There's that little devil in you, luring you to that oh sooooo dark side... Making you feel weak for choosing to be the bigger person. Taunting you for taking the higher road. Laughing at you as you attempt to be graceful. Sneering at you as you get ridiculed while you CHOSE to keep it together.
It's so damn easy to cave in, to that dark, and painfully ugly side.
It's just a step away...
But then, I'll always take the road less traveled.
I'll always keep my conscience clear.
I'll always be honest.
I'll always confront the ugly with compassion.
I'll always be real.
and I will have compassion and never laugh when YOU fall flat on your face.
I strive, every single day, to be the person I want to grow up and look up to.
It's the broken ones.
Yep, it's the broken ones I like the most.
Not that ANYONE has their shit together to begin with.
But the damaged ones are the ones I attract.
And it's not because I have some weird "kink" towards finding messed up people attractive, no, I actually makes fun of damaged people.
Those are the people who make for awesome protagonists in films, those are the people who make for good anecdotes, those are the people who make the world go round. So yeah, I like damaged people because they are real, because there is yet hope that they become a better version of themselves, because they are vulnerable and raw, because THAT is what makes for interesting personalities.
What comes along with all the mess however, is a lot of heart burn tho.
Many friends, especially male friends, have told me that I have the urge to mother boys, to fix them... hence, the complicated ones find solace in my company.
I disagree. I feel I can help people un complicate their lives because I tend to have a clear way of viewing situations THAT ARE NOT TO DO WITH MY LIFE (obviously!)
But then, doesn't everyone have an opinion, some advice to give other people? Isn't that what people want? To find someone who can help them solve their problems?
Because isn't that what life is about... Solving problems.
Rising above years of emotional trauma that we insist on living through over and over again. Recognising the circle and breaking the patterns.
But in the process of helping people break their patterns, I have formed one myself!
And it seems like I've included myself in the 'Broken Ones' Club, without any difficulty.
Which is outlandish, because no one actually belongs in this club but me.
I wish I was a writer. I wish I was creative and articulate at the same time. I wish I had the discipline to sit down and write, everyday, come what may. I wish I had the inspiration to write.
I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. I wish I didn’t judge myself so much either. I wish I was bursting with ideas of changing the world, my home, my family all the time, so much so that I would not sleep at nights trying to figure out my next move.
I wish I would stop wishing and just shut up and do it already.
'Do you write?'
'Only when I'm upset' I replied.
And felt lame right after I said it.
It's true though, I don't really express myself well when tense or upset. I live with that heaviness for months, sometimes years. So, writing about the mess helps me tons.
I have been wanting to write a story for a while, it's stuck between my head and fingers somewhere. I need to release it from inside of my head first, for it to travel down to my hands. I just don't know how to accomplish that.
I've been trying to read these two books, but I have gotten stuck with that as well. My attention span is just deplorable. I am so bloody distracted. No discipline whatsoever.
So this year, without making a resolution out of it, I am going to get out of my head. Figuratively, and then maybe, I literally have something to show for.
Wow, I just made sense.
Till then listen to this mad sexy track.
I can't get enough of it!
She picked up her phone and was about to dial, when his name flashed.
'I was just calling you...'
'I'm coming over' he cut her off.
'Can you get cigarettes?'
'Ok'
She quickly cleared all the mess, straightened the cushions on the couch, fixed her face and put a bottle of wine to chill.
He knocked the door 20 minutes later. She opened the door, and said 'How did you know I wanted to see you?'
'I didn't, can I come inside?'
He walked in, and went straight to the little balcony.
'You've been obsessing and crying again?'
'Is it that obvious?' she said very plainly.
He turned around, and threw the pack of cigarettes towards her.
'Wine?'
'Yes, it should be cool now' she said while lighting her cigarette.
'Ashu, I ...' she trailed off.
'I'll get the wine, and a glass of scotch for you?' he said. She just nodded.
He came back with the drinks.
'I would be lost without you Ashu'
'And I wouldn't know what I'm looking for without you Tee'
She smiled 'So I help you find your purpose?'
He laughed 'Let's just say you inspire me to not lose sight, of what needs to be my purpose.'
'That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me Ashu... Thank you.'
'I'm leaving tomorrow Tee'
She knew that he was going to leave as soon as he got his head back on his shoulders. It was time already! She knew that he had to leave to feel like himself again. She knew he had been struggling for a very long time. She knew he would be gone for a very long time. She tried to not make a big deal of it.
'How long for?'
'I don't want to come back Tee.'
She looked away, she didn't want him to see her cry. Again. She wanted to be cool and she wanted him to be happy.
'You'll come visit?'
'As soon as I can Ashu.'
'Tee, you have no idea how much I'll miss you. But I have to do this.'
'I know. You need not explain.' And then she looked at him and smiled.
'I can't always expect you to be there to tuck me in bed after I'm pissed drunk, that's just not fair.'
He laughed 'Oh there were perks to that, i got to see naked women the next morning.'
She blushed, he laughed more.
They hugged.
'This Hell becomes bearable around you, Tee. I don't know how I'll manage without your constant whining about EVERYTHING'
She laughed, tears ran down her face.
'My Hell will be incomplete without you Ashu'
He looked in to her eyes, 'This Hell is not forever Tee. Nothing is.'
'I'll take your word' she said.
He took a big gulp of the wine, kissed her head and said 'I'll call you tomorrow' and left.
She couldn't stop him. She couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say. She just stood there, and he walked away.
After 5 minutes she heard his voice. She leaned over the balcony and saw him standing in the driveway.
'What did you forget?' she asked.
'...To tell you that it's a beautiful night! Look at the stars now!'
She frowned and craned her neck upwards. It was stunning. There were millions of stars twinkling, there sky was clear of the dreary grey clouds for a change.
'... And as bright as the sky is with all those sparkling dots, from where I stand right now, you shine the brightest, Tee.'
He made his funny hand gesture that was typically his, and waved bye.
She smiled, wiped her tears and yelled back while he walked away 'You're the cheesiest person I know, Ashu!'
