Heart break has always been my Kryptonite.
Life has thrown some really hard balls at me from time to time, especially in the last 8 years. And I brave all the adversities, falling apart is never an option then. I solve problems. I never lose focus, And never ever lose patience.
I keep it together like a pro.
But every now and then a boy will come into my life and I will let him turn everything upside down, after which he exits my life promptly... With my brains sprawled all over my messy bed room and my heart dissected into a million little parts,
I fall apart as if my whole world/life/career/family has ended. I stop being happy, Physically and Mentally. I have managed to manifest all that sadness into physical weakness many times. I lose sleep and look like a Zombie. It's embarrassing.
One would think that over time and with experience, one would learn/ understand how to cope with heart break. But No, I think I am going in reverse. It's gotten harder to keep up with such drama, as I have grown older and my poor heart struggles a lot with keeping my brain from exploding.
Then there is that long process of allowing myself to let go of the mess that my life has become. The sad state becomes my personality. I walk around like looking like this mysterious, aloof, unhappy ghost. I loathe myself and everything around me, Yet I will still not let go of the trauma that is plaguing me. I will live with it and obsess and cry and keep having conversations with myself while driving, walking or even just laying in bed.
I go through severe depressive bouts. I fight it with all my might. I distract myself desperately, it's easy to fall down that dark hole. It's really easy to feed the dark side. And poetic too, sometimes.
No amount of logic, discussion or meditation helps me over come this heart ache.
And today, while I was having one of those conversations with myself I said, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Why must love be so hard for you? Why can't you just let go?
That's what bugged me- What can't I just let go?
It bothered me a little too much but then I thought, it is who I am.
I am persistent. I am an actor, I am a performer. Life was not meant to be easy with the path I have chosen. So I keep at it, NO MATTER WHAT, Giving up is not an option. If I commit, there is no turning back.
Rejection in work is something I take in my stride, it comes with the territory. And I deal with it as gracefully as I can.
But Rejection in love drives me insane.
INSANE.
I'm not even sure why I am writing all this, but there has been a slight epiphany today while thinking all this. I have many friends who are dealing with heart break right now, unfortunately. And while trying to give them perspective, I in turn counselled myself. ( I am seeing a Counsellor as well, of course, but that discussion is for another time) I reminded myself of how not to be so hard on myself, for being upset and devastated. I reminded myself that letting go doesn't mean that you stop loving, it just means that you trust in what the future holds for you. I reminded myself that aside from all the heart ache caused by unfortunate circumstances, I am actually in a good place in my life, I should be happy, I have a good job, a great apartment, incredible friends and I look awesome every now and then (it's true, I ain't lying)
Being depressed won't make things any better.
Love is not evil.
And I am not Superman, I have no Kryptonite.
Life has thrown some really hard balls at me from time to time, especially in the last 8 years. And I brave all the adversities, falling apart is never an option then. I solve problems. I never lose focus, And never ever lose patience.
I keep it together like a pro.
But every now and then a boy will come into my life and I will let him turn everything upside down, after which he exits my life promptly... With my brains sprawled all over my messy bed room and my heart dissected into a million little parts,
I fall apart as if my whole world/life/career/family has ended. I stop being happy, Physically and Mentally. I have managed to manifest all that sadness into physical weakness many times. I lose sleep and look like a Zombie. It's embarrassing.
One would think that over time and with experience, one would learn/ understand how to cope with heart break. But No, I think I am going in reverse. It's gotten harder to keep up with such drama, as I have grown older and my poor heart struggles a lot with keeping my brain from exploding.
Then there is that long process of allowing myself to let go of the mess that my life has become. The sad state becomes my personality. I walk around like looking like this mysterious, aloof, unhappy ghost. I loathe myself and everything around me, Yet I will still not let go of the trauma that is plaguing me. I will live with it and obsess and cry and keep having conversations with myself while driving, walking or even just laying in bed.
I go through severe depressive bouts. I fight it with all my might. I distract myself desperately, it's easy to fall down that dark hole. It's really easy to feed the dark side. And poetic too, sometimes.
No amount of logic, discussion or meditation helps me over come this heart ache.
And today, while I was having one of those conversations with myself I said, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Why must love be so hard for you? Why can't you just let go?
That's what bugged me- What can't I just let go?
It bothered me a little too much but then I thought, it is who I am.
I am persistent. I am an actor, I am a performer. Life was not meant to be easy with the path I have chosen. So I keep at it, NO MATTER WHAT, Giving up is not an option. If I commit, there is no turning back.
Rejection in work is something I take in my stride, it comes with the territory. And I deal with it as gracefully as I can.
But Rejection in love drives me insane.
INSANE.
I'm not even sure why I am writing all this, but there has been a slight epiphany today while thinking all this. I have many friends who are dealing with heart break right now, unfortunately. And while trying to give them perspective, I in turn counselled myself. ( I am seeing a Counsellor as well, of course, but that discussion is for another time) I reminded myself of how not to be so hard on myself, for being upset and devastated. I reminded myself that letting go doesn't mean that you stop loving, it just means that you trust in what the future holds for you. I reminded myself that aside from all the heart ache caused by unfortunate circumstances, I am actually in a good place in my life, I should be happy, I have a good job, a great apartment, incredible friends and I look awesome every now and then (it's true, I ain't lying)
Being depressed won't make things any better.
Love is not evil.
And I am not Superman, I have no Kryptonite.
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