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Friday, May 22, 2015

30 and the day after that..

'Fuck I'm 30!'
She woke up, got off her bed and stared at herself in the mirror.
She looked the same as the night before. Only, her mascara had run all the way down to her chin from her right eye. And her beautiful ruby red lipstick was smeared all over her left cheek. 'I look like a cheap whore!' , and then quickly berated herself for thinking like an idiot. 'Why you gotta judge whore's man?!'

She had no recollection of the night post 1230am. There was cake, lots of sparkling wine, a few shots of Patron. Then she remembered vaguely tears, vomit, yelling and falling on her butt in the staircase.
'Who put me to bed?'
She was still in the clothes from last night. The dress was ruined properly. She had spent almost ten grand on that dress. 'What a waste!'

She started walking towards the bathroom and almost tripped on a bottle of vodka on the floor. 'Where the hell did this come from??, fuck, my head hurts'
She washed her face, took off her clothes, took a long shower and then brushed her teeth. In that order. 'Wow, I'm still drunk I think, damn where's the towel?'
She had forgotten it in the bedroom. 'Of course. Dammit'
Dripping, she steps out to head towards the bedroom, almost slips as she reaches the door of her room when she see's a man facing the window, smoking a cigarette.
She screams "Bhenchod! What the Fuck!?!"

He turned around screaming "Whoa Tina Calm Down! Wow you're naked, fuck,!" He didn't know where to look, so he just threw his head up and stared at the ceiling.

They both looked as startled as the other. She couldn't see her towel or ANY cloth anywhere. So she ran out back to the bathroom.
"How did you get in Ashish, what the fuck man?"
"Tina, you idiot, I stayed the night... you were properly wasted last night. I heard you go to the bathroom so came to check if you were ok. I didn't know you didn't remember I had crashed here!"

 "Oh. You could have smoked in the living room na! Why did you have to come into my bed room to smoke?? Who does that?"

"I was just leaning outside the window to see if my car was ok parked on the road, I was going to go to the Living room I promise!"

"Aaaarrrggghhh
Throw me my towel and go in the other room for fuck's sake"

He fumbled and and grabbed the towel hanging on the door and threw it towards the bathroom. She grabbed the towel from the floor and wrapped it around her self hastily."'No wait there!"
 She walked towards the bedroom to give him a piece of her mind, but then as soon as she saw him again, they both burst out laughing. She fell on the floor rolling in laughter, and he just grabbed his stomach and stood in the same corner laughing as well. After a minute or so...

"You're in good shape for being 30, Tee" he smirked
"Thanks Ashu, Ass Hole."

And then they stopped smiling and just stared at each other.
"Ashu, I'm 30!" and then started the water works. She cried like a little child, she looked like a little child. Curled up on the floor, where she was in stitches just 40 seconds back. She looked so helpless and lost.

He bent down and looked into her eyes, then slowly crawled towards her. He touched her head, wiped her tears and said very calmly. 'It could be worse, you could be a 40 year old man who screams in falsetto when he sees a naked 30 year old woman.
This is just the beginning Tee, it's all down hill from here'
And just like that, she started laughing like a maniac all over again.

All he could do was look at her with amazement. Her laugh meant everything to him. That laugh was the best sound in the world.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Love, Unabridged.

 They met at the right time.
They were pleasant each time they met.
They both smiled a lot.
They both hid behind their smiles.
They recognized each others sadness.   
He was heart broken, She was heart broken. 
He wore his heart on his sleeve, and she was in awe of that.     
He was sexy, She was Shy.
He liked her. She wasn't sure.
Then she liked him, and he smiled even more.                    
They would stare into the others eyes and just randomly say 'What are you thinking?', then giggle, and talk till sunrise. 
They talked and talked and then some more.
They danced to the same songs.
They liked the same movies.
They loved the same books.
They would hug like it was the last time.
They would kiss without any qualms. 
They would make love with their eyes open.    
They would fall asleep together and wake up wanting each other more.
                                                            
 Then one day.. 'Baby I gotta go'

He said 'Thank You for your kindness' and she just smiled.
They left without even saying Good Bye.
Only because, they met at the right time.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

This fucker of a Dream

 'Everytime I'm waiting at the Traffic Signal, I have a vision of a truck or a car smashing into me. It just comes out of no where and totals my car. I lose consciousness and then die.
There's a part of me that is counting days till that happens.   
Why I am day dreaming of such a violent death? Sure, it could be reflective of my state of mind, but counting days till that happens is something I am concerned about.'
             
He frowned for a second,  then calmly said 'How often do you have that vision?'

'Once a day, everyday.'

He paused, stood up and walked towards her. She stood up as he came near. He held her and spoke only loud enough for her to hear. 
He said 'That's the way you go babe'

And then I woke up.
That's been the beginning of my weekend.

It could have been worse, it could have been real.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Ready or Not?

I maybe holding myself back from moving on.
I psyche myself into getting charged about letting go, everyday.
There's a huge part of me that just doesn't want to let go.
Letting Go means starting afresh. And I am tired, I don't want to start all over again. The push, the pull, the back and forth. I am not ready for this Tango.
Not right now.
(Not ever) says my heart. 
'Hush, you fool! It's the only way' 
(Am I really the fool here?)
'You aren't the smartest for sure!'
(Wait a little, let me re live the memories and feel a little before you turn me into a cold relentless blood pumper again. I don't want to let this end just yet. We hadn't felt like this is a while, had we?)
'I don't want to think about it'
(But what if you never get to feel like that again?!)
'I don't want to think about it'
(How can you just block everything? How are you functioning like nothing is wrong?)
'I don't want to think about it'
(You're mean)
'I know'
(You maybe schizophrenic as well)
'I know'



Wednesday, May 6, 2015

That's what she said

They say you attract your own Tribe.
They say you attract your own Mess.
They say you can Manifest the Best.
They say you are the Creator and the Destroyer.
They say God lives within you.
They say you can only help yourself.
They say Love is the Answer...

I say Love is Over rated.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

You Got This

You walk around like you are da bomb diggity.
You keep your head up high and walk with a deliberate strut that hides the pathetic limp that your body is dying to succumb to.
You take deep breaths, and focus on exhaling all the toxins in your head, your heart and your soul.
You wake up and push yourself to exercise when all your perplexed mind wants is to sit in a dark corner and sob.
You keep at it.
You keep at it.
You scream, you curse, you cry... but then remind yourself  'It's Temporary'
You wipe your tears, you stand up, you wash your sobbing face, have a glass of wine.
You Tell yourself ' I GOT THIS'

One Day At A Time.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Back to where it Began



I believe, coming to terms with Death is anyone's biggest achievement.
Letting go, releasing, moving on...
No, people aren't the only things that die.
A habit, an impulse, a dream or someone's car crashing into the shape of a matchbox. It's all death.
And as morbid as it is, it puts life into perspective.
The meaning of all that exists in either flesh, or in circumstance, becomes crystal clear.

Why are we here? What is the use of all this drama? Why do we thrive on tragedy? Why must it be so fucking hard? And why on earth does life only get harder to cope with? Why is youth wasted on the young? And why are most old people bitter?

One instance of Death. And you get your answers. At least temporarily.

Right Now
It feels like Death.
It feels like two lifetimes have passed.
It feels like the beginning and the end.

Maybe some answers are on their way...
Or Maybe more Death. 



'Everything I touched was golden
Everything I loved got broken
On the Road To Mandalay <3 a="">
Every mistake I've ever made
Has been rehashed and then replayed
As I got lost along the way'