2016, I await thee...

'Do you write?'
'Only when I'm upset' I replied.
And felt lame right after I said it.

It's true though, I don't really express myself well when tense or upset. I live with that heaviness for months, sometimes years. So, writing about the mess helps me tons.

I have been wanting to write a story for a while, it's stuck between my head and fingers somewhere. I need to release it from inside of my head first, for it to travel down to my hands.  I just don't know how to accomplish that.
I've been trying to read these two books, but I have gotten stuck with that as well. My attention span is just deplorable. I am so bloody distracted. No discipline whatsoever.

So this year, without making a resolution out of it, I am going to get out of my head. Figuratively, and then maybe, I literally have something to show for.


Wow, I just made sense.

Till then listen to this mad sexy track.
I can't get enough of it!

30 and a year after that...

She picked up her phone and was about to dial, when his name flashed.
'I was just calling you...'
'I'm coming over' he cut her off.
'Can you get cigarettes?'
'Ok'

She quickly cleared all the mess, straightened the cushions on the couch, fixed her face and put a bottle of wine to chill.
He knocked the door 20 minutes later. She opened the door, and said 'How did you know I wanted to see you?'
'I didn't, can I come inside?'
He walked in, and went straight to the little balcony.
'You've been obsessing and crying again?'
'Is it that obvious?' she said very plainly.
He turned around, and threw the pack of cigarettes towards her.
'Wine?'
'Yes, it should be cool now' she said while lighting her cigarette.

'Ashu, I ...' she trailed off.
'I'll get the wine, and a glass of scotch for you?' he said. She just nodded.

He came back with the drinks.
'I would be lost without you Ashu'
'And I wouldn't know what I'm looking for without you Tee'

She smiled 'So I help you find your purpose?'
He laughed 'Let's just say you inspire me to not lose sight, of what needs to be my purpose.'

'That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me Ashu... Thank you.'

'I'm leaving tomorrow Tee'
She knew that he was going to leave as soon as he got his head back on his shoulders. It was time already! She knew that he had to leave to feel like himself again. She knew he had been struggling for a very long time. She knew he would be gone for a very long time. She tried to not make a big deal of it.
'How long for?'
'I don't want to come back Tee.'

She looked away, she didn't want him to see her cry. Again. She wanted to be cool and she wanted him to be happy.

'You'll come visit?'
'As soon as I can Ashu.'

'Tee, you have no idea how much I'll miss you. But I have to do this.'
'I know. You need not explain.' And then she looked at him and smiled.
'I can't always expect you to be there to tuck me in bed after I'm pissed drunk, that's just not fair.'
He laughed 'Oh there were perks to that, i got to see naked women the next morning.'
She blushed, he laughed more.
They hugged.

'This Hell becomes bearable around you, Tee. I don't know how I'll manage without your constant whining about EVERYTHING'
She laughed, tears ran down her face.
'My Hell will be incomplete without you Ashu'

He looked in to her eyes, 'This Hell is not forever Tee. Nothing is.'
'I'll take your word' she said.

He took a big gulp of the wine, kissed her head and said 'I'll call you tomorrow' and  left.
She couldn't stop him. She couldn't talk. She didn't know what to say. She just stood there, and he walked away.
After 5 minutes she heard his voice. She leaned over the balcony and saw him standing in the driveway.

'What did you forget?' she asked.
'...To tell you that it's a beautiful night! Look at the stars now!'
She frowned and craned her neck upwards. It was stunning. There were millions of stars twinkling, there sky was clear of the dreary grey clouds for a change.
'... And as bright as the sky is with all those sparkling dots, from where I stand right now, you shine the brightest, Tee.'
He made his funny hand gesture that was typically his, and waved bye.

She smiled, wiped her tears and yelled back while he walked away 'You're the cheesiest person I know, Ashu!'

Something happened on the way Home

'That's what I must do right now'

And the 'that' that he spoke about, had nothing to do with her. It had to do with someone else, it had no connection to her. She wasn't a part of his life, his routine, his thoughts, his friends, his present or his world anymore. She wasn't even a speck in the the vast clusters of stars that created the universe that she had dreamed for the two of them.

Just like that, they were strangers.

Just like that, it ended.

She saw it coming months back, she knew he would walk away. She knew it felt too real for it to be real. She had mourned the demise of the relationship before it actually began, unaware of how sad she was as she met him. How sad she was every time he said good bye when he dropped her home, every time they looked into each other eyes, every time they kissed... and they kissed so well, she knew there may not be a next time she would feel so light in her head again.

She didn't realise how much she loved him and how quickly she fell for this boy. 

She didn't know she was capable of loving someone ever again.

She had accepted that she may not fall in love again, and that was okay. She was okay being on her own as well. And she had come to terms with the fact that her life was never conventional to begin with, and her definition of what finding love was supposed to be maybe didn't exist.

All she did know, was that he would be difficult, and feisty and it would be exhausting to be with him. Still, she was ready to take the plunge. He had unknowingly, triggered a series of emotions that were lying dormant in her, which she had assumed dead. 

She was ready to dive into the deep end and was happy that she needed no rescuing.  

She was ready.

He wasn't. 

At least not for her.

Days passed. 

Emotions passed too. As they always do.  Eventually there was a comfort in feeling numb. It was familiar territory, it was where she had lived for years...

Just like that, she felt like she was back home.

Just like that, it was ok to be okay again.

Lights Will Guide You

Would it be too bold for me to say that I am ready to go, to leave, to die?
Would it be too scandalous to accept to the world that I am not scared or bothered by the thought that I may not exist tomorrow?

There is truth in the end. Is there anything more real and honest than death? There are answers at the end and I look forward to those. I have so many questions that need answers.
Ah, but if only death was that easy. If only life was simple. If only we had the power to chose how we leave this realm, to move into the 'higher state of being'.

Yes, I am scared of a slow and painful end. I am scared of disease, I am scared of mentally and physically deteriorating into a vegetable. And I am scared of the day when even getting out of bed would be a mission, and that day will come. I am scared of seeing my loved ones suffer, for I suffer watching them.
So in my attempt to keep feeling healthy and good, I keep making sure I am fine. I make sure I try to inspire my loved ones to be healthy too, I keep eating healthy, I exercise, I take on the challenges and keep at it, I do things that excite me and make me happy. Because happiness is the key to a healthy life... or so they say.
You sort of get the hang of living after a while, you find a way to forget the struggle in spurts of ecstatic moments, you read/hear stories about people who have overcome the hardest challenges and look at your comfortable life and think sheepishly 'You're so fuckin lucky'.
You live.
That's what you are here to do.
Live. Do your best at living.
Get the best at what you do and just expand. And Live.
Thank your stars that you were blessed a life so special before you sleep and wake up and thank the universe for the beauty you have been witness to all these years.

Of course I'll die one day. Everyone will. We go back to dust and complete the circle of life. And I am not scared of it one bit. But while I'm here, I must live.
I must feel, I must love, I must excel, I must grow.

I must burn bright.

Sorry don't make a Dead Man alive

Do people still use the phrase 'I give you my word' nowadays?

I don't think I've heard anyone say it in years! 

There was a time when even a drug lord like Tony Montana would not 'break his balls or word for anyone.' And people would wait for the right moment to spew out the same words and mean it too.

The film is forgotten and so are the people who actually meant what they said.

People change their minds in minutes, apologize and re write/change statements/shrug responsibility in a matter of seconds. It's the convenient way out. Is a 'sorry' meant to make all wrongs, right? How is it that we have gotten okay with changing our stances so frequently? 

We have stopped thinking before we speak/take action. We just do. Because that's what Nike says, because that acceptable, because being impulsive is the cool thing to be.  And then retract as soon as the going gets slightly tough, or when shit hits the ceiling, or when you miss a dead line, or when you break a promise... the list is long.

When did our word start meaning zilch?

When did we become so scared of owning up to our flaws?

When did we stop honouring our friends and family by bailing on them constantly?

When did we become so damn insecure?

When did it become Ok to be Sorry?

And the rest is History

'It's ok.
Be Tired.
It's Love, it comes around'

And that's how easily he broke it down for her.
She needed to hear those words. She needed to understand that someone else believes in the same.
He knew what to say to her. He was good with words.  She liked that about him.
People aren't good at expressing themselves any more. They use phrases like 'You know, it's just like, you what I mean'
He spelled it out. Without effort. Without thinking twice.

She smiled.
She knew they would get along. She knew they would become good friends. She knew this was the beginning of something spectacular, But she didn't acknowledge it then. She brushed it aside and said 'Yes Dad' and giggled.

He laughed.

And that's how easily they found themselves, in each other's lives.

Honestly....

Heart break has always been my Kryptonite.

Life has thrown some really hard balls at me from time to time, especially in the last 8 years. And I brave all the adversities, falling apart is never an option then. I solve problems. I never lose focus, And never ever lose patience.
I keep it together like a pro.

But every now and then a boy will come into my life and I will let him turn everything upside down, after which he exits my life promptly... With my brains sprawled all over my messy bed room and my heart dissected into a million little parts,
I fall apart as if my whole world/life/career/family has ended. I stop being happy, Physically and Mentally. I have managed to manifest all that sadness into physical weakness many times. I lose sleep and look like a Zombie. It's embarrassing.
One would think that over time and with experience, one would learn/ understand how to cope with heart break. But No, I think I am going in reverse. It's gotten harder to keep up with such drama, as I have grown older and my poor heart struggles a lot with keeping my brain from exploding.

Then there is that long process of allowing myself to let go of the mess that my life has become. The sad state becomes my personality. I walk around like looking like this mysterious, aloof, unhappy ghost. I loathe myself and everything around me, Yet I will still not let go of the trauma that is plaguing me. I will live with it and obsess and cry and keep having conversations with myself while driving, walking or even just laying in bed.
I go through severe depressive bouts. I fight it with all my might. I distract myself desperately, it's easy to fall down that dark hole. It's really easy to feed the dark side. And poetic too, sometimes.

No amount of logic, discussion or meditation helps me over come this heart ache.

And today, while I was having one of those conversations with myself I said, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Why must love be so hard for you? Why can't you just let go?
That's what bugged me- What can't I just let go?
It bothered me a little too much but then I thought, it is who I am.
I am persistent. I am an actor, I am a performer. Life was not meant to be easy with the path I have chosen. So I keep at it, NO MATTER WHAT, Giving up is not an option. If I commit, there is no turning back.
Rejection in work is something I take in my stride, it comes with the territory. And I deal with it as gracefully as I can.
But Rejection in love drives me insane.
INSANE.

I'm not even sure why I am writing all this, but there has been a slight epiphany today while thinking all this. I have many friends who are dealing with heart break right now, unfortunately. And while trying to give them perspective, I in turn counselled myself. ( I am seeing a Counsellor as well, of course, but that discussion is for another time) I reminded myself of how not to be so hard on myself, for being upset and devastated. I reminded myself that letting go doesn't mean that you stop loving, it just means that you trust in what the future holds for you. I reminded myself that aside from all the heart ache caused by unfortunate circumstances, I am actually in a good place in my life, I should be happy, I have a good job, a great apartment, incredible friends and I look awesome every now and then (it's true, I ain't lying)
Being depressed won't make things any better.
Love is not evil.
And I am not Superman, I have no Kryptonite.

Hell and Driveways

It was hell.
Sitting in his room, he had some music playing in the background. He opened his books and placed them on his desk. He was about to read, and 'that' song played. 
That same song that made him feel invincible just a few months back. And now all it did was make him feel like a failure.                            
He hated himself for being reminded of his old self. He hated himself for being helpless. He hated the song that meant so much to him. He loathed everything. 
He was lost. And had no patience to be found.

It was hell.
Sitting in her room, she kept going through her phone looking at her photos. All smiles, all happy moments. Just then, the phone buzzed. She cut the call, and went back to staring at the pictures. And she started weeping like a child. 
Those pictures were supposed to be the beginning of her new life. And now, just over night, they had ceased to be anything at all.
She hated herself for being so weak. She hated the fact that she felt like complete shit. She hated how she could only find solace in a glass full  of scotch. She hated what she had become. 
A pathetic venomous drunk.
It was easier to be this person, this unabashedly hateful person.
No one bothered her. No one cared. No one reached out any more. And she didn't pretend have to pretend to be 'OK' any more either.

He couldn't breathe, she needed to smoke. "Fuck!"




to be continued....

30 and the day after that..

'Fuck I'm 30!'
She woke up, got off her bed and stared at herself in the mirror.
She looked the same as the night before. Only, her mascara had run all the way down to her chin from her right eye. And her beautiful ruby red lipstick was smeared all over her left cheek. 'I look like a cheap whore!' , and then quickly berated herself for thinking like an idiot. 'Why you gotta judge whore's man?!'

She had no recollection of the night post 1230am. There was cake, lots of sparkling wine, a few shots of Patron. Then she remembered vaguely tears, vomit, yelling and falling on her butt in the staircase.
'Who put me to bed?'
She was still in the clothes from last night. The dress was ruined properly. She had spent almost ten grand on that dress. 'What a waste!'

She started walking towards the bathroom and almost tripped on a bottle of vodka on the floor. 'Where the hell did this come from??, fuck, my head hurts'
She washed her face, took off her clothes, took a long shower and then brushed her teeth. In that order. 'Wow, I'm still drunk I think, damn where's the towel?'
She had forgotten it in the bedroom. 'Of course. Dammit'
Dripping, she steps out to head towards the bedroom, almost slips as she reaches the door of her room when she see's a man facing the window, smoking a cigarette.
She screams "Bhenchod! What the Fuck!?!"

He turned around screaming "Whoa Tina Calm Down! Wow you're naked, fuck,!" He didn't know where to look, so he just threw his head up and stared at the ceiling.

They both looked as startled as the other. She couldn't see her towel or ANY cloth anywhere. So she ran out back to the bathroom.
"How did you get in Ashish, what the fuck man?"
"Tina, you idiot, I stayed the night... you were properly wasted last night. I heard you go to the bathroom so came to check if you were ok. I didn't know you didn't remember I had crashed here!"

 "Oh. You could have smoked in the living room na! Why did you have to come into my bed room to smoke?? Who does that?"

"I was just leaning outside the window to see if my car was ok parked on the road, I was going to go to the Living room I promise!"

"Aaaarrrggghhh
Throw me my towel and go in the other room for fuck's sake"

He fumbled and and grabbed the towel hanging on the door and threw it towards the bathroom. She grabbed the towel from the floor and wrapped it around her self hastily."'No wait there!"
 She walked towards the bedroom to give him a piece of her mind, but then as soon as she saw him again, they both burst out laughing. She fell on the floor rolling in laughter, and he just grabbed his stomach and stood in the same corner laughing as well. After a minute or so...

"You're in good shape for being 30, Tee" he smirked
"Thanks Ashu, Ass Hole."

And then they stopped smiling and just stared at each other.
"Ashu, I'm 30!" and then started the water works. She cried like a little child, she looked like a little child. Curled up on the floor, where she was in stitches just 40 seconds back. She looked so helpless and lost.

He bent down and looked into her eyes, then slowly crawled towards her. He touched her head, wiped her tears and said very calmly. 'It could be worse, you could be a 40 year old man who screams in falsetto when he sees a naked 30 year old woman.
This is just the beginning Tee, it's all down hill from here'
And just like that, she started laughing like a maniac all over again.

All he could do was look at her with amazement. Her laugh meant everything to him. That laugh was the best sound in the world.

Love, Unabridged.

 They met at the right time.
They were pleasant each time they met.
They both smiled a lot.
They both hid behind their smiles.
They recognized each others sadness.   
He was heart broken, She was heart broken. 
He wore his heart on his sleeve, and she was in awe of that.     
He was sexy, She was Shy.
He liked her. She wasn't sure.
Then she liked him, and he smiled even more.                    
They would stare into the others eyes and just randomly say 'What are you thinking?', then giggle, and talk till sunrise. 
They talked and talked and then some more.
They danced to the same songs.
They liked the same movies.
They loved the same books.
They would hug like it was the last time.
They would kiss without any qualms. 
They would make love with their eyes open.    
They would fall asleep together and wake up wanting each other more.
                                                            
 Then one day.. 'Baby I gotta go'

He said 'Thank You for your kindness' and she just smiled.
They left without even saying Good Bye.
Only because, they met at the right time.

This fucker of a Dream

 'Everytime I'm waiting at the Traffic Signal, I have a vision of a truck or a car smashing into me. It just comes out of no where and totals my car. I lose consciousness and then die.
There's a part of me that is counting days till that happens.   
Why I am day dreaming of such a violent death? Sure, it could be reflective of my state of mind, but counting days till that happens is something I am concerned about.'
             
He frowned for a second,  then calmly said 'How often do you have that vision?'

'Once a day, everyday.'

He paused, stood up and walked towards her. She stood up as he came near. He held her and spoke only loud enough for her to hear. 
He said 'That's the way you go babe'

And then I woke up.
That's been the beginning of my weekend.

It could have been worse, it could have been real.

Ready or Not?

I maybe holding myself back from moving on.

I psyche myself into getting charged about letting go, everyday.

There's a huge part of me that just doesn't want to let go.

Letting Go means starting afresh. And I am tired, I don't want to start all over again. The push, the pull, the back and forth. I am not ready for this Tango.

Not right now.

(Not ever) says my heart. 

'Hush, you fool! It's the only way' 

(Am I really the fool here?)

'You aren't the smartest for sure!'

(Wait a little, let me re live the memories and feel a little before you turn me into a cold relentless blood pumper again. I don't want to let this end just yet. We hadn't felt like this is a while, had we?)

'I don't want to think about it'

(But what if you never get to feel like that again?!)

'I don't want to think about it'

(How can you just block everything? How are you functioning like nothing is wrong?)

'I don't want to think about it'

(You're mean)

'I know'

(You maybe schizophrenic as well)

'I know'

That's what she said

They say you attract your own Tribe.

They say you attract your own Mess.

They say you can Manifest the Best.

They say you are the Creator and the Destroyer.

They say God lives within you.

They say you can only help yourself.

They say Love is the Answer...

I say Love is Over rated.

You Got This

You walk around like you are da bomb diggity.
You keep your head up high and walk with a deliberate strut that hides the pathetic limp that your body is dying to succumb to.
You take deep breaths, and focus on exhaling all the toxins in your head, your heart and your soul.
You wake up and push yourself to exercise when all your perplexed mind wants is to sit in a dark corner and sob.
You keep at it.
You keep at it.
You scream, you curse, you cry... but then remind yourself  'It's Temporary'
You wipe your tears, you stand up, you wash your sobbing face, have a glass of wine.
You Tell yourself ' I GOT THIS'

One Day At A Time.

Back to where it Began

I believe, coming to terms with Death is anyone's biggest achievement.
Letting go, releasing, moving on...
No, people aren't the only things that die.
A habit, an impulse, a dream or someone's car crashing into the shape of a matchbox. It's all death.
And as morbid as it is, it puts life into perspective.
The meaning of all that exists in either flesh, or in circumstance, becomes crystal clear.

Why are we here? What is the use of all this drama? Why do we thrive on tragedy? Why must it be so fucking hard? And why on earth does life only get harder to cope with? Why is youth wasted on the young? And why are most old people bitter?

One instance of Death. And you get your answers. At least temporarily.

Right Now
It feels like Death.
It feels like two lifetimes have passed.
It feels like the beginning and the end.

Maybe some answers are on their way...
Or Maybe more Death. 

'Everything I touched was golden
Everything I loved got broken
On the Road To Mandalay <3 a="">
Every mistake I've ever made
Has been rehashed and then replayed
As I got lost along the way'

Dark Night

It's curious how numbness has taken over my entire body.
I like sitting in the dark, and I just stare at the wall. My breathing seems to be the only movement i can sense. That, and the sound of the fan.
Also, the heightened buzz in my ears. I just sit and bear it. It almost compliments the numbness.

And then I think of you and my chest gets heavier, my breathing gets harder and sharp... just so much effort! 
So i try to shoo any thought of you away. I try to push you out of my comfortable dark space. I fail. And the buzz gets louder. I shut my eyes.  I almost scream. But I have no strength. 

I lay helpless. My heart tries hard to jump out of my mouth, and I force it to calm itself. But I give in.
 My quiet dark room becomes your haven now. All I can do is watch you. You float around with that heart breaking smile. You quickly sweep in and touch my face, caress my back, hold me tight, kiss my lips, and whisper in my ear 'I'm here now'
And just like that, the numbness vanishes, my body convulses and it feels like someone knocked the wind out of me. 

I open my eyes. My body drenched, my vision blurry, my throat dry and my head pounding.

I stand up and walk to the window and wipe my eyes.  Morning is breaking.
 A sigh of relief!
Time to wash off the sweat and put on the mask. Another day to conquer. Another day to deliver. Another day to be thankful for.

The nights however. ..